Happiness as a goal

  It is all too often that we get so focused on our busy schedules (shuttling the kids to and from school, various sports events and obligations, work, grocery shopping, the gym, meal planning and execution, housework) that we forget to appreciate the smaller occurrences, objects, and small details that make our lives a little more enchanting.  Today it is raining, thus creating the perfect inspiration/environment/nothing-better-to-do time to write a blog.

  It's been quite some time since I have sat down to write anything and I feel as if I'm letting myself down.   Alas, here we are as a result of my new found unemployment.  No complaints as the former j-o-b was super stressful and was making my marriage incredibly strained as it was becoming increasingly difficult to find time for each other and the kidlets.  Hopefully I will find something more suitable to our family needs.  As summer approaches I'm trying to find things to keep the trolls occupied and active, which translates into: I need to drive the bus and have time to do so.  I suppose this joblessness couldn't have come at a better time.  Add to it that having to leave my family everyday to go to an environment I hated to be in with people whom I mostly disliked, (there were very few I could genuinely say I liked to be around) to work for a woman I have no respect for, and to come home every night angry, frustrated, and feeling trapped and I'd say I'm absolutely thrilled to no longer have to work in that awful place.

  Instead, I choose to be happy and love life.  I don't wish to be cranky, irritable or tired all the time.
Throughout the course of my last state of employment I found that simple chores became difficult to accomplish and at times were just not getting done.  In my mind it was a never ending episode of hoarders!  Okay, maybe it wasn't all that bad, nonetheless I am joining my neighbors in an annual ritual for getting rid of useless crap, otherwise known as a YARD SALE!  Oh what fun :/  Can you sense my excitement?  This just means that I have to confront my basement; yikes!

 My bestie  (Erin) and I were contemplating writing a joint blog the other morning over coffee (and Frangelico).  What a great idea!  Wish me luck, and if you should have any inexpensive summer ideas for my offspring, let's hear it.  Happy yard-saling to all!

Laziness, Unbecoming

I find that I have increased anxiety lately about everything. Driving in Tri-City traffic (especially when I find myself in one of those stupid round-abouts, i.e. sling shots), whenever my phone rings and I don't recognize the number (could be someone I don't want to talk to or a potential employer), my kids: walking to school, behaving themselves while there, eating right and getting good grades. I also stress about bills and necessities. I'm getting a handle on my compulsive spending, it's been a hard journey and lesson, but I can see the top of the hill. I stress in line at the grocery store, am I holding people up with my coupons and reusable bags? I often forget to use said coupons and to ask for items such as stamps (happened yesterday) as a result of this insecurity. I stress about forgetting things so much so that the constant reminder to get things done has the opposite effect. More often I find myself at the end of the day scrambling to get things done that I should have remembered sooner. I try to make "to do" lists and often misplace them.

I also have a compulsive cleaning issue, albeit unlike most. I am not obsessive compulsive (I don't think), meaning I don't have to do it all the time and be sure everything is always in it's proper place and spic-n-span. I have a short attention span and am a control freak. All of these combined are quite frustrating as I have to have things my way, orderly (my version of it), and I must always be in control. Naturally all of this is disrupted by my own brand of laziness, for which I always feel guilt (anxiety). Even when all of my tasks are complete I feel guilt over something as simple as watching a television show. Even as I write this I feel as if there is something more important I should be doing, something more worthy of my time. However, I justify this to myself as relinquishing control. Control over what, is the true question. I'm pretty sure I've always been this way and not too sure how I never noticed before.

I'm OCD and ADD, which means I have something new to obsess about every five seconds. That should keep me busy for a while, right?

All you need is love

"All you need is Love" -John Lennon

In order to be truly happy, you must first love yourself. In order for another to love you, they must not only love themselves, but they have to be willing to let go of all your past indiscretions; to know all about you and remain in your presence in spite of it. To move on is not easy, forgiving is harder and forgetting, impossible. I will never forget the path I took to get where I'm at. I will look back and smile about certain memories. Others will sadden me and the worst will be downright painful. People will come into my life, serve their purpose and then will leave. I'm thankful for those friends; they have given me what I needed at the time. Some have taught me patience, acceptance, humility and how to dance like no one is watching. Others have angered me, brought me down and made me wish I would die. For all of that I am greatful; it makes for an interesting day. Those who have been around a little longer have taught me to respect, endure, believe, and most important, love.
I am in love with life. I love my kids, my friends, my family and I have an outlook on life I would otherwise not possess if not for they're encouraging words and relentless support. Even on days when I think there is no way things could get worse (and they often do before they get better), they are beside me pushing me to go on because tomorrow will be better, it has to be. Most days I don't believe them. It sounds so much easier to throw in the towel, but real friends will not allow it. It makes me angry and frustrated but ultimately beautiful. There is beauty in friendship; in love. That is the one thing no one can take from me. No matter how hard they try, love will always be what brightens my day. Even when I am lost, I know it's there. Love may not be easy or desirable even, but it is ALWAYS worth it. We cannot live without it. It is as essential to our well being as water oxygen and food.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not selfish.
Love bears all things. Love believes all things. Love hopes all things. Love endures all things. Love continues to love, no matter how much it costs. Love does not give up on the person loved. Love prevails, both in good times and bad times.
~1 Cor. 13:4-7~ 

Just Breathe

I usually find myself reflecting on the events of the previous 12 months right about this time of year. I have done some reflecting, but as of late I find myself at a loss for words and just trying to remember to breathe. Life often takes us in directions we had no intention of heading and to places we thought we'd never see. I never thought I'd be living with my momma again, and yet here I am. I'm not complaining, just observing. I am grateful for the help with the kids and having my mommy to talk to at the end of the day. Made the big move to Pasco and so far so good. The job's ok, meeting new people and making some friends.
I've decided this morning that instead of focusing on the bad, I'm going to embrace the good. For those of you who know, this is not always an easy feat for me.
I got an e-mail this morning from my friend Kacy who is overseas until February. Just the thought of seeing him soon makes me smile. He is always so positive, even in the midst of fighting someone else's war. My little girl woke me up with a kiss at 6:30 this morning and though I'm not a morning person, it sure did warm my heart. I had a dream last night that my dad (Bryce) was in town and I have not seen him in what seems like forever; just got off the phone with him and he's home for the day. I get to see Katie today, but not for coffee. We are having a girl's day which we rarely do, so I'm excited. My kid's have started their new school and the transition seems to be going well; I was so worried it would be more difficult, but my children never cease to amaze me. They are so resilient; they are smart, outgoing, friendly, enthusiastic, not bad looking if I do say so myself. All in all they are beautiful and that makes me smile. 
There are things I miss and will continue to yearn for that I can never have. A few friends lost along the way, one in particular that will forever leave a hole in my heart. I think about him everyday. This morning seems to be harder for some reason. Most days thoughts of him make me smile and today they do as well; the smile is simply to hide the pain today. 
I guess when I really think about it there is so much beauty around me and so much to be thankful for. On days like today, I often don't believe that it can be so difficult to find things to be grateful for

A better class of losers

I always thought that as I grew up, the people around me would grow up too. I'm learning that that is not the case. They look older and sometimes sound wiser, but deep down they seem to all be as clueless as ever. Now I'm not talking about goofing off and having a good time or acting like a kid for entertainment purposes (Lord knows I'm the queen of silly). What I am talking about are those idiots that refuse to grow up (at all)! I don't always behave the way that I should, but there is a time and a place for everything. 

I always say that I have 3 rules for dating: 1. Must have a job (I don't care if you are the guy who salts the french fries at McDonald's, as long as you have a job!), 2. Must have a car (I will not be your chauffeur), 3. Can not live with your parents (or grand parents). All of these things show me that a guy is responsible and independent. Now if your plan is to work in fast food for the rest of your life or manage the Gas-n-Sip then maybe we should talk about having some goals, but the basic idea is that you can take care of yourself. 

It's ok to have fun. It's ok to be funny all the time, you won't find me complaining. I need a guy who can keep me entertained. But, when it is time to take care of business just get it done and we can go back to having a good time. 

Also, by the time we reach adult-hood, we should be at a point where we can be honest about our feelings. I realize that most men would rather lose their leg in the tiger exhibit at the zoo or be eaten alive by rabid wolverines than tell us they are simply not interested or just the opposite, but I think we have reached a point (at least I have) where being honest really is the most painless way. The worst that will happen in most cases is that we will kick and scream a little, maybe even cry (I know how poorly men deal with this) but in the end it's so much better than the time wasted by NOT just saying how you feel. 

What I have learned is this: We have grown older, but not grown up and the men that I meet these days are not any better or mature than the ones I knew in high school. They may have better jobs, more expensive hobbies (and toys), but all they are is a better class of losers.